Its really pathetic being an addict...

I buckled under the emotional stress, and started smoking again. Yea, I sort of knew all along it would happen. Why you ask? The answer to that question is fairly obvious, I am a smoker at heart. I feel that I was born smoking, and I will likely die smoking. No fancy was to describe it other than, it is so good. It fills many voids in my day to day world.
When I have anxiety, it calms me down... then almost immediately makes it worse. I have noticed the more I smoke, the more anxiety I actually end up with. I get agitated, then I smoke, and the cycle repeats. I still consider this filling a void because.. well because I am an addict.
I recently had to get a tooth pulled. Probably because I smoke so much and smoking is TERRIBLE for your teeth, but continuing with my story. The instruction stated: No smoking for at the least 48 hours. Apparently the sucking in action can create a dry socket, which exposes your jaw bone. Of course I was not able to make the promise, I just smoked less and more gently. Smoking is more important than potentially exposing bone and being in terrible pain. To most this choice was silly on my part, to me the risk made perfect sense because I am an addict.
Smoking happens to also usually separate me from my friends. I have to go outside and smoke alone, while everyone gets to stay warm and continue talking and drinking while I hover outside around a small little post cursing the day cigarettes came in to my life. I dream of when Spring arrives and being outside will be wonderful and smoking will be even more enjoyable because I am an addict.
Wow, I did not mean that. I never curse the day they came in to my life. I curse everyday when I wreak of cigarette smoke, and my hamper makes my room wreak of cigarettes. When I shower and I can smell the cigarette stench washing away. Every time I get in my car, and the strong odor hits me right in the face. I curse every time a non smoker gets in my filthy ash cover car, knowing they are dealing with an unpleasant odor. I react helpless to all of this because I am an addict.
I hate how expensive they are. Quitting my job, walking dogs for a living... I need to quit just for financial reasons, this shit is too much money. Yet I would rather sacrifice hanging out with my friends, eating, and having money to do stuff with all so I can smoke. I panic when I might not be able to afford smoking. I start taking all precautions. Smoking less, obsessing over bills that need to be paid vs money coming in.....
Its really pathetic being an addict.