Shitty, lazy, sack of shit.

That is me. I smoke more than I did pre quit. It feels horrible and unsatisfying. MORE MORE MORE. Why can't I inject nicotine in to my veins mixed with coffee maybe a narcotic or two for sleeping purposes when it gets dark.

Blog updated.

Tuesday...bluesday

Yesterday was insane. Definitely not the "relief" I was hoping for...but a good day all in all. I am majorly falling off my wagon... I bought another pack of cigarettes... ultra lights. Not that it makes a difference,  I am being a major hypocrite but I am so lost on what to do here...
I am so busy and setting in to motion school starting Jan... which is freaking awesome!! I love how I decide to do something that is insanely hard, RIGHT before I have 6,000 things to do. I have so many dogs the next 2 weeks its like I need to find a new coping mechanism or vice otherwise I will blow my brains out..
But I am trekking on, still using the nicorette as much as I possibly can to hold me away from cigarettes but its becoming increasingly harder.
I forgot that the first few days actually are the easiest.. its after that the hurdles become harder to jump.
I am trying to jump but my fucking legs are tired from catering to all these dogs...
Damnit. I want rehab for smoking. Now. Please....

So ready for Monday...

This weekend started out with some bad news.. and I can not seem to shake it.
I am lucky to have supportive from my parents even when I do not think I deserve it. That eases up some of this stress.
Smoking.. pshh I am still trying.. my reasons for quitting seem so futile, but I am still hoping my coping skill will appear. Everyone has different advice. I know I will find something that works for me out of the 6,000 ideas that have been shared for me. I just really wish it would kill these headaches.
Yes, headaches. Since I have been "cutting down" I have headaches from not smoking, I have headaches from smoking. It really is frustrating. They hurt!!!
I wish I could solve the worlds problems in a blink of an eye, ultimately solving mine too. I phrased it like that, to sound less selfish.

Monday, I need you. I promise I will be fresh and happy and leave all this negativity behind.. Monday.

I deserve a Christmas miracle...

So unemployment has to be appealed. I knew in the back of my mind that would happen, but was hoping for a pleasant surprise...
Right now.. I am pissed. Suicide is not even an option because I have so many dogs relying on my the next few weeks...so I have to wait until at least the first of the new year.
Choosing to lose my crutch, my sweet expensive happiness right now was the worst decision of my life.
I am falling off the wagon, and frankly do not care. I want an meteor to fall out of the sky and hit me. I feel like the Alien movies... like there is something inside me ready to tear through my chest and terrorize civilization as we know it,
I am going to keep trying... I guess at this point to "cut down" but my hope and glimmer for the future in every aspect of my life just does not exist right now.
Highlight of my day so far... Robbie ate a green crayon yesterday... his poop looked like fun fetti with green specs.
That highlight is pathetic and I really want to go on craigslist and sell myself to some rich, or not even super wealthy man to be a slave to just throw away all financial worries... Any takers?
I will have to hide this blog so they do not think I am capable of murdering them when a stressful situation arises.
Ok off to look in the mirror and slap myself in the face and say "Katelyn, stop your bitching, and keep floating through life like you always have been doing... SOMETHING has to work out eventually...and if it does not... permission to run far far away and die"
I hate everything today... hopefully this weekend filled with some exciting events will change something...

This is becoming torture...

I took a non-narcotic muscle relaxer to see if it would relieve this headache I have been carrying around like a ton of bricks resting solely on my brain for the last 3 days. No luck.
Its late. I can not sleep. I am sad. I want to tear out my eyes and squeeze them until they explode between my fingers.
Cigarettes give me a headache. Not smoking gives me a headache. I feel like the world is falling apart in my face.   I know I screwed up today, yesterday if you want to be technical, and I am terrified for what tomorrow brings.
Nicorette gives me a headache too.
This blog gives me a headache.

Why is every other blog on here either a families blog "a way of connecting from our corner of the world" kind of crap, or religious malarkey? Might have to find a "hip" place to share my misery, because I know none of these people will enjoy it if stumbled upon.

Relapses are cool right?

Yeah I fucked up today. so what? It really does not make me feel like throwing in the towel, so that is a plus right? I have to try and even take my fuck ups in a positive way, I am starting to realize this is a up hill climb.. an up mountain climb and I am truly only a few baby steps in to my travel.
I used to talk about how I could smoke forever. Mainly because I am convinced either cancer as a whole will have a cure by the time I am affected by my impending fate. The better idea I came up with was... lungs will become a fashionable purchase. I will have the super series Oxy Filter X7000. We will be smoking in cafes, yes smoking will be allowed after it is not longer fatal, laughing, joking about the poor people who can not afford the fancy gold plated artificial lungs. We will be donating our old lungs, like we would old clothes. I would brag that I beat lung cancer 10x, how many times have you beat it? We will wait in line to buy accessories for our lungs like a Harry Potter book release. New matching gums, a new voice box (voices sold separately), protective throat liners... use your imagination. All of which would be marketed and created by the cigarette companies. They will take over the world.
I was reminiscing today about prior attempts to quit in my life. I really have only seriously attempted to quit 3 times in my career as a champion smoker.
My first quit was 11th grade? John and I made a pact to quit together, right at the end of the school year. We had a house in Margate, NJ for the summer that John lived at full time, and I frequented weekends. We made each other calendars. Home made, kids arts and craft style calendars with inspirational pick me ups, and at weekends we would give each other surprise gifts as rewards ect. Obviously it did not work. We both were very hostile, and being that we are both stubborn we were smoking behind each others backs lying to each other about our progress. We were bullying everyone to give us cigarettes, and then making sure they knew they had to keep their damn mouths shut. It took less than a week for us to realize we lasted maybe one full day with out actually smoking, and laughed while sharing a cigarette at our epic fail.
My second quit I was 19 or 20 years old. I worked at Foodsource at the time, and that time I thought I would prepare myself as best as possible. I bought tons of sugar free candies, suduko/puzzle books (for my breaks at work to keep me away from the smokers table), gum.. you name it. I went 2 full days with not a single drag from a cigarette, I remember it getting increasingly harder each day, not easier. Day 3, I was on my way to work, and it had snowed pretty bad. My dad had my drive my mom's car to work, I panicked and stopped at the wawa on the way to work and bought cigarettes. I remember smoking  only a few drags and it tasted disgusting. I threw it out the window and said keep trucking. I arrive at work, and of course with the cigarettes taunting me in my purse. Like usual work was stressful, and Danielle was picking on me saying "Your having a nic fit, just go smoke, just go smoke" so I finally said "FINEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" and went right out to the smoking area and smoked 3 cigarettes in a row.
My third attempt was the summer before last. I can't remember much about the attempt because it was very brief. I remember telling all the girls at work to avoid me because I will be increasingly more agitated. Tandi noticed it first, which resulted in an inside joke about me being like the Hulk. She called my name to ask me a question and I turned around like "WHAT" she did not even respond and continued what she was doing. She later told me the look in my eyes was scary, and she would remember to just stay away from me. I also remember, MB and I making a funfetti cake to "celebrate" my non-smoking future. It was a really pretty cake. It was yummy too.. I am not sure I was smoke free at all... maybe 24 hours...

So yes. I may not be completely smoke free, and I am proud that I can admit it. I feel ashamed in some ways, but not really, this is really fucking hard. Lets do the math, I have smoked 50 less cigarettes in the last 3 days then I did the 3 days prior.
I wish I was strong enough to be completely cold turkey and be completely sane while I did it.
I can not. I do know that I will gain the strength to overcome this, whether it takes me 5 days, 5 weeks, 5 months. My dream of being a non smoker will come true.

3rd day AM

I did not post last night because I was bad. After meeting a friend for drinks in KOP and having several panic attacks at the table... zoning in and out... almost falling asleep... I ran to the nearest wawa and purchased a pack of cigarettes...
Even though I had been dreaming, the moment I buy cigarettes I am smoking the whole pack and not looking back.. I did not. I smoked one...ok ok and then another... but put them in the trunk of my car and am sticking to the gum.
I have had way less cravings knowing they are there believe it or not. I put them in the trunk so I can't smoke them while driving, and also I have to go out of my way and be aware of what I am doing when I open my trunk to grab them. I am trying to be as honest as possible.. and I truly do not want to go back to smoking.

I still have these hopes, I can be that smoker that only smokes socially, or has one once in a while.. I will likely never be that person.
I am an addict.
It is funny how in the morning I am clearer and less hostile. I feel calm, yet the minute I get in the car the cravings will start consuming me. They are like a shock wave... a craving with come over me and make my nerves feel tingly and my head feel warm. Strong and painful. It just shows up like its time to go have a cigarette, and my body moves just an inch before I realize wait no, stop listening, relax... then I have this internal fight with in my own brain. It makes me upset. It does not stop. Eventually after usually 15 minutes or so the craving is significantly less strong, but that doesn't always mean another shock is not coming anywhere from 5 -45 minutes later. Sometimes its one after another, fighting through one craving just to open a door to another. I have been fighting headaches this whole time, and yet every time I had cheated and smoked a cigarette the headache was worse.
I am truly torn on what is going to make me feel better right now? The gum does not help, food does not help, alcohol does not help, narcotics do not help. The interesting part is.. smoking actually is not really helping either. It makes me feel guilty, it makes me feel a little nauseous and in fact I hate them.

On another note, I was thinking about how much of a smoker I really am. I lived and died for cigarettes. There was times I would buy cigarettes instead of gas figuring walking but smoking was better than getting to where I was going quickly but wanting to die with out cigarettes. I used to tell my friend Loryn, when I am old and have a voice box and talk like Ned Gerblansky from South Park, that I will continue to smoke through my trachea hole, and to tell my children and grandchildren its MY choice to smoke. I smoked long enough to need one of these fucking things, and I will smoke with or with out it. Why torture myself now after I am already old and dying. Enjoy watching your mother smile.
That is a really disgusting idea... I still understand why I felt those ways, and still feel a little bit like that mainly cause its hard to let go. Its strange to recognize how this addiction controls me, and my feelings.
 It controls my levels of enjoyment. Drinking is going to be something very hard to do. It is nice no one smokes in bars.. and its freezing outside right now. Even driving is torture now.. I am trying to put on music I love singing too, and singing really loud trying to "lose" myself in song.
Oh yeah.. Please let me know if I am getting fat. Although I still feel like my eating habits are the same, I am adding more candy than ever to my diet just as little rewards... because this is America.. and cigarettes use to be my personal reward.. now candy is. Americans live for rewards, we deserve them... lol

I knew there was a reason why I liked Camels so much...

Mid day report in hell...

I woke up stressed.. the valium last night did not really do anything to zone me out. Ruled out one coping idea...
So today I mustered strength to call Trudys mom, and she sympathized with quitting, she recommended chewing 6 pieces of nicorette at a time.. so that made me feel obligated to go buy some.
note to self: stay away from ardmore west... between the parking lot.. and the slow retarded cashiers at the rite aid.. I might as well handcuff myself next time..
So I went to Ardmore West to get coffee at wawa, and buy the nicotine gum at Rite Aid. So how much sense does this make. The "Stop Smoking Center" is literally between the huge display for 5,000 cigarettes, and the chewing tobacco, and blunts. So you can't even like touch the boxes of that stuff, the ONE cashier finally looked at me and it took her two minutes (felt like an eternity) to figure out the two boxes I wanted to compare after the most descriptive explanations. "to your left, rite aid brand.. wait no you just had your hand on it, no over, up up up" yeah enough for me to jump over the counter and choke her out.
So I am examining the two choices.. while looking up nearly drooling at the new camel light box.. a really pretty colorful design with the camel.. and they were 1$ off... fuck my life.
I am ready to get in line, which is always 5 people deep... with one slow retarded cashier. She yells at me, "Ma'am you can't walk away with those" I said "I am getting in line but fine", I threw the boxes on the counter between her and her customer and walked to the back of the line. Staring at the 20foot long display of every cigarette on the planet, with bright sale tags.. and here I am spending 30$ on a box of fucking gum that may or may not relieve me at all...when I could buy a pack of Camels for 5$ and it would be a guaranteed relief..
I start crying as I get up to the line, trying not to make eye contact with the cashier, or all the cigarettes dancing on the self behind her, tempting me. I start telling her how its so un fair to have to stare at that while I am buying nicorette. In my head, all I want to do is punch her out of the way, jump over the counter, chew the whole box of nicorette while rolling around in the display of cigarettes I will knock on the floor to make an adult ball pit.
Finally out of that situation I wrestle the box of gum open in my car. It sucks. But hopefully maybe it will do something I am not realizing right this moment.. but over time?
I am here at Lisa's after walking Rambo.. and I counted over 70 cigarettes butts on the ground. I kept telling myself.. if one is worth picking up.. I will certainly pick it up and smoke it..
None seemed worth it..
This is the worst break up I've ever had. I get angry.. I wanted to start a movement banning cigarette displays and set every Rite Aid on fire...
Then I start thinking... but then what? I need them, the way they burn, the way my blood feels when I inhale.. how could I be so angry at cigarettes.. they have brought me so much joy.. I should call..
Then I say NO they spend all my money and take advantage of me, they are abusive to my body, and control me.

Day one in the hell of the "healthy"

So I will preface this short and sweet. I am a 26 year old chain smoker. I love cigarettes more than oxygen, more than my family, my dog... well maybe not my dog, but bottom line cigarettes define/defined my life. Its been  approx. 12 years of addiction for me.
I decided in a flash last night, the beautiful, fruitful pack of cigarettes in my purse was the last I would purchase. I regret that decision.
Being stubborn, its now 11pm day one, and I did cave and smoked 2 full cigarettes today.. but proud none the less.. that is 18-25 less than I've smoked in a day for the last at least 10 years of my career.
Throughout the day I have suffered with many feelings, mostly straight anger, anger in a way that is terrifying. The only thing I have thought about all day was smoking. Nothing could distract me from thinking of those sweet sticks of cancer. I don't care that they are lethal, in fact right now, I wish I was dead because I am not suckling their sweet honey.
While driving I lose sight of where I am going.. all I do is violently dig through my purse convinced there is cigarettes in there, licking the extra tobacco laying in the bottom off my fingers as I dig deeper. Maybe I will drive off a cliff I keep thinking.. unfortunately I am still alive here writing this stupid blog that is making me increasingly angry. My eyes glaze over and all I see is a large smoking cigarette, or trying to figure out how to drive to purposely pass a wawa so I can run in, push everyone out of line and buy a pack of cigarettes then drop to the ground and smoke them all, at once, one after another, two at a time.. it does not matter. I NEED THEM.
Walking my dog earlier I almost had a mental breakdown. There is a den of bunnies that live on the corner of our house, and like usual Robbie went crazy trying to pull me over to the bush where they live, and for a split second I wanted to watch him eat the bunnies.Blood dripping from his little face as he ate their entrails, me laughing wildly as the sight of his carnage.  I wanted to break all the bunnies necks, I did not care, I need a rush, any way will do. (note: I am an animal lover to the most extreme.. but this addiction is making me feel murderous and primal)
Another quick back story, our dogs have a friend in our community and her owner is a very sweet kind woman. She is a slow talker, and loses track easily of the points she is trying to make.. if any point at all. I was going to walk Robbie, and she was outside walking Trudy... quickly dogs get called in and all lights turned off waiting for her to pass.. She is the LAST person I can deal with right now.
I do some work for her sometimes, and I was thinking to myself I have to avoid her this week. She can frustrate me pretty quickly when I have a full tank of nicotine, but I know this week, with this feeling inside me, I need to avoid her at all costs. I day dreamed about how spending one minute with her could result with me flipping her dining room table that is covered with 6 months of mail and magazines. I would steal her car and sell it for parts in North Philly, immediately stopping at the closest 7-11 to buy out the store of every type of cigarette they had available, and walking back to Bryn Mawr chain smoking the cigarettes. Now you say walking around in North Philadelphia a young white female with cartons and cartons of cigarettes.. you would look like a target. I will tell you my super human strength and anger would protect me from even weapons. I could see my eyes growing crazy, and even the toughest gang members avoiding ME at all costs.. I'll tell you right now, anyone that tries to fuck me with will regret the day they were born..
Well anyone that even tries to talk to me will probably regret the day they were born. Everything is making me pissed.
Adam tried to be helpful saying why don't you get gum, or a patch for some help. I got increasingly agitated and told him the gum made me angry.. and he said it will help relieve you and I said NO it makes me angry.. and then day dreamed about grabbing him by the neck and making sure he knew never to mention ANYTHING to me again about anything if I said no..
If someone offered me a million dollars or one cigarette right now.. I would choose cigarette..
If someone told me a baby would die, or cigarettes had to be outlawed.. I would protect the cigarettes.. sorry baby.
I pull my own hair when I drive because I am so unhappy.
I want to fall to the floor and smash my face in the pavement until my skull explodes in front of school children.
I want these cravings to go away...
This is not fair, it makes strong willed people pathetic.
I want to break free from this jail of smelling disgusting...
Wait.. why can't I just figure out how to make cigarettes smell like flowers and babies...
Then it will be socially acceptable, and my problems will be solved..