Yeah I fucked up today. so what? It really does not make me feel like throwing in the towel, so that is a plus right? I have to try and even take my fuck ups in a positive way, I am starting to realize this is a up hill climb.. an up mountain climb and I am truly only a few baby steps in to my travel.
I used to talk about how I could smoke forever. Mainly because I am convinced either cancer as a whole will have a cure by the time I am affected by my impending fate. The better idea I came up with was... lungs will become a fashionable purchase. I will have the super series Oxy Filter X7000. We will be smoking in cafes, yes smoking will be allowed after it is not longer fatal, laughing, joking about the poor people who can not afford the fancy gold plated artificial lungs. We will be donating our old lungs, like we would old clothes. I would brag that I beat lung cancer 10x, how many times have you beat it? We will wait in line to buy accessories for our lungs like a Harry Potter book release. New matching gums, a new voice box (voices sold separately), protective throat liners... use your imagination. All of which would be marketed and created by the cigarette companies. They will take over the world.
I was reminiscing today about prior attempts to quit in my life. I really have only seriously attempted to quit 3 times in my career as a champion smoker.
My first quit was 11th grade? John and I made a pact to quit together, right at the end of the school year. We had a house in Margate, NJ for the summer that John lived at full time, and I frequented weekends. We made each other calendars. Home made, kids arts and craft style calendars with inspirational pick me ups, and at weekends we would give each other surprise gifts as rewards ect. Obviously it did not work. We both were very hostile, and being that we are both stubborn we were smoking behind each others backs lying to each other about our progress. We were bullying everyone to give us cigarettes, and then making sure they knew they had to keep their damn mouths shut. It took less than a week for us to realize we lasted maybe one full day with out actually smoking, and laughed while sharing a cigarette at our epic fail.
My second quit I was 19 or 20 years old. I worked at Foodsource at the time, and that time I thought I would prepare myself as best as possible. I bought tons of sugar free candies, suduko/puzzle books (for my breaks at work to keep me away from the smokers table), gum.. you name it. I went 2 full days with not a single drag from a cigarette, I remember it getting increasingly harder each day, not easier. Day 3, I was on my way to work, and it had snowed pretty bad. My dad had my drive my mom's car to work, I panicked and stopped at the wawa on the way to work and bought cigarettes. I remember smoking only a few drags and it tasted disgusting. I threw it out the window and said keep trucking. I arrive at work, and of course with the cigarettes taunting me in my purse. Like usual work was stressful, and Danielle was picking on me saying "Your having a nic fit, just go smoke, just go smoke" so I finally said "FINEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE" and went right out to the smoking area and smoked 3 cigarettes in a row.
My third attempt was the summer before last. I can't remember much about the attempt because it was very brief. I remember telling all the girls at work to avoid me because I will be increasingly more agitated. Tandi noticed it first, which resulted in an inside joke about me being like the Hulk. She called my name to ask me a question and I turned around like "WHAT" she did not even respond and continued what she was doing. She later told me the look in my eyes was scary, and she would remember to just stay away from me. I also remember, MB and I making a funfetti cake to "celebrate" my non-smoking future. It was a really pretty cake. It was yummy too.. I am not sure I was smoke free at all... maybe 24 hours...
So yes. I may not be completely smoke free, and I am proud that I can admit it. I feel ashamed in some ways, but not really, this is really fucking hard. Lets do the math, I have smoked 50 less cigarettes in the last 3 days then I did the 3 days prior.
I wish I was strong enough to be completely cold turkey and be completely sane while I did it.
I can not. I do know that I will gain the strength to overcome this, whether it takes me 5 days, 5 weeks, 5 months. My dream of being a non smoker will come true.
No comments:
Post a Comment