I did not post last night because I was bad. After meeting a friend for drinks in KOP and having several panic attacks at the table... zoning in and out... almost falling asleep... I ran to the nearest wawa and purchased a pack of cigarettes...
Even though I had been dreaming, the moment I buy cigarettes I am smoking the whole pack and not looking back.. I did not. I smoked one...ok ok and then another... but put them in the trunk of my car and am sticking to the gum.
I have had way less cravings knowing they are there believe it or not. I put them in the trunk so I can't smoke them while driving, and also I have to go out of my way and be aware of what I am doing when I open my trunk to grab them. I am trying to be as honest as possible.. and I truly do not want to go back to smoking.
I still have these hopes, I can be that smoker that only smokes socially, or has one once in a while.. I will likely never be that person.
I am an addict.
It is funny how in the morning I am clearer and less hostile. I feel calm, yet the minute I get in the car the cravings will start consuming me. They are like a shock wave... a craving with come over me and make my nerves feel tingly and my head feel warm. Strong and painful. It just shows up like its time to go have a cigarette, and my body moves just an inch before I realize wait no, stop listening, relax... then I have this internal fight with in my own brain. It makes me upset. It does not stop. Eventually after usually 15 minutes or so the craving is significantly less strong, but that doesn't always mean another shock is not coming anywhere from 5 -45 minutes later. Sometimes its one after another, fighting through one craving just to open a door to another. I have been fighting headaches this whole time, and yet every time I had cheated and smoked a cigarette the headache was worse.
I am truly torn on what is going to make me feel better right now? The gum does not help, food does not help, alcohol does not help, narcotics do not help. The interesting part is.. smoking actually is not really helping either. It makes me feel guilty, it makes me feel a little nauseous and in fact I hate them.
On another note, I was thinking about how much of a smoker I really am. I lived and died for cigarettes. There was times I would buy cigarettes instead of gas figuring walking but smoking was better than getting to where I was going quickly but wanting to die with out cigarettes. I used to tell my friend Loryn, when I am old and have a voice box and talk like Ned Gerblansky from South Park, that I will continue to smoke through my trachea hole, and to tell my children and grandchildren its MY choice to smoke. I smoked long enough to need one of these fucking things, and I will smoke with or with out it. Why torture myself now after I am already old and dying. Enjoy watching your mother smile.
That is a really disgusting idea... I still understand why I felt those ways, and still feel a little bit like that mainly cause its hard to let go. Its strange to recognize how this addiction controls me, and my feelings.
It controls my levels of enjoyment. Drinking is going to be something very hard to do. It is nice no one smokes in bars.. and its freezing outside right now. Even driving is torture now.. I am trying to put on music I love singing too, and singing really loud trying to "lose" myself in song.
Oh yeah.. Please let me know if I am getting fat. Although I still feel like my eating habits are the same, I am adding more candy than ever to my diet just as little rewards... because this is America.. and cigarettes use to be my personal reward.. now candy is. Americans live for rewards, we deserve them... lol
Don't be a Ned
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