Day one in the hell of the "healthy"

So I will preface this short and sweet. I am a 26 year old chain smoker. I love cigarettes more than oxygen, more than my family, my dog... well maybe not my dog, but bottom line cigarettes define/defined my life. Its been  approx. 12 years of addiction for me.
I decided in a flash last night, the beautiful, fruitful pack of cigarettes in my purse was the last I would purchase. I regret that decision.
Being stubborn, its now 11pm day one, and I did cave and smoked 2 full cigarettes today.. but proud none the less.. that is 18-25 less than I've smoked in a day for the last at least 10 years of my career.
Throughout the day I have suffered with many feelings, mostly straight anger, anger in a way that is terrifying. The only thing I have thought about all day was smoking. Nothing could distract me from thinking of those sweet sticks of cancer. I don't care that they are lethal, in fact right now, I wish I was dead because I am not suckling their sweet honey.
While driving I lose sight of where I am going.. all I do is violently dig through my purse convinced there is cigarettes in there, licking the extra tobacco laying in the bottom off my fingers as I dig deeper. Maybe I will drive off a cliff I keep thinking.. unfortunately I am still alive here writing this stupid blog that is making me increasingly angry. My eyes glaze over and all I see is a large smoking cigarette, or trying to figure out how to drive to purposely pass a wawa so I can run in, push everyone out of line and buy a pack of cigarettes then drop to the ground and smoke them all, at once, one after another, two at a time.. it does not matter. I NEED THEM.
Walking my dog earlier I almost had a mental breakdown. There is a den of bunnies that live on the corner of our house, and like usual Robbie went crazy trying to pull me over to the bush where they live, and for a split second I wanted to watch him eat the bunnies.Blood dripping from his little face as he ate their entrails, me laughing wildly as the sight of his carnage.  I wanted to break all the bunnies necks, I did not care, I need a rush, any way will do. (note: I am an animal lover to the most extreme.. but this addiction is making me feel murderous and primal)
Another quick back story, our dogs have a friend in our community and her owner is a very sweet kind woman. She is a slow talker, and loses track easily of the points she is trying to make.. if any point at all. I was going to walk Robbie, and she was outside walking Trudy... quickly dogs get called in and all lights turned off waiting for her to pass.. She is the LAST person I can deal with right now.
I do some work for her sometimes, and I was thinking to myself I have to avoid her this week. She can frustrate me pretty quickly when I have a full tank of nicotine, but I know this week, with this feeling inside me, I need to avoid her at all costs. I day dreamed about how spending one minute with her could result with me flipping her dining room table that is covered with 6 months of mail and magazines. I would steal her car and sell it for parts in North Philly, immediately stopping at the closest 7-11 to buy out the store of every type of cigarette they had available, and walking back to Bryn Mawr chain smoking the cigarettes. Now you say walking around in North Philadelphia a young white female with cartons and cartons of cigarettes.. you would look like a target. I will tell you my super human strength and anger would protect me from even weapons. I could see my eyes growing crazy, and even the toughest gang members avoiding ME at all costs.. I'll tell you right now, anyone that tries to fuck me with will regret the day they were born..
Well anyone that even tries to talk to me will probably regret the day they were born. Everything is making me pissed.
Adam tried to be helpful saying why don't you get gum, or a patch for some help. I got increasingly agitated and told him the gum made me angry.. and he said it will help relieve you and I said NO it makes me angry.. and then day dreamed about grabbing him by the neck and making sure he knew never to mention ANYTHING to me again about anything if I said no..
If someone offered me a million dollars or one cigarette right now.. I would choose cigarette..
If someone told me a baby would die, or cigarettes had to be outlawed.. I would protect the cigarettes.. sorry baby.
I pull my own hair when I drive because I am so unhappy.
I want to fall to the floor and smash my face in the pavement until my skull explodes in front of school children.
I want these cravings to go away...
This is not fair, it makes strong willed people pathetic.
I want to break free from this jail of smelling disgusting...
Wait.. why can't I just figure out how to make cigarettes smell like flowers and babies...
Then it will be socially acceptable, and my problems will be solved..