I woke up stressed.. the valium last night did not really do anything to zone me out. Ruled out one coping idea...
So today I mustered strength to call Trudys mom, and she sympathized with quitting, she recommended chewing 6 pieces of nicorette at a time.. so that made me feel obligated to go buy some.
note to self: stay away from ardmore west... between the parking lot.. and the slow retarded cashiers at the rite aid.. I might as well handcuff myself next time..
So I went to Ardmore West to get coffee at wawa, and buy the nicotine gum at Rite Aid. So how much sense does this make. The "Stop Smoking Center" is literally between the huge display for 5,000 cigarettes, and the chewing tobacco, and blunts. So you can't even like touch the boxes of that stuff, the ONE cashier finally looked at me and it took her two minutes (felt like an eternity) to figure out the two boxes I wanted to compare after the most descriptive explanations. "to your left, rite aid brand.. wait no you just had your hand on it, no over, up up up" yeah enough for me to jump over the counter and choke her out.
So I am examining the two choices.. while looking up nearly drooling at the new camel light box.. a really pretty colorful design with the camel.. and they were 1$ off... fuck my life.
I am ready to get in line, which is always 5 people deep... with one slow retarded cashier. She yells at me, "Ma'am you can't walk away with those" I said "I am getting in line but fine", I threw the boxes on the counter between her and her customer and walked to the back of the line. Staring at the 20foot long display of every cigarette on the planet, with bright sale tags.. and here I am spending 30$ on a box of fucking gum that may or may not relieve me at all...when I could buy a pack of Camels for 5$ and it would be a guaranteed relief..
I start crying as I get up to the line, trying not to make eye contact with the cashier, or all the cigarettes dancing on the self behind her, tempting me. I start telling her how its so un fair to have to stare at that while I am buying nicorette. In my head, all I want to do is punch her out of the way, jump over the counter, chew the whole box of nicorette while rolling around in the display of cigarettes I will knock on the floor to make an adult ball pit.
Finally out of that situation I wrestle the box of gum open in my car. It sucks. But hopefully maybe it will do something I am not realizing right this moment.. but over time?
I am here at Lisa's after walking Rambo.. and I counted over 70 cigarettes butts on the ground. I kept telling myself.. if one is worth picking up.. I will certainly pick it up and smoke it..
None seemed worth it..
This is the worst break up I've ever had. I get angry.. I wanted to start a movement banning cigarette displays and set every Rite Aid on fire...
Then I start thinking... but then what? I need them, the way they burn, the way my blood feels when I inhale.. how could I be so angry at cigarettes.. they have brought me so much joy.. I should call..
Then I say NO they spend all my money and take advantage of me, they are abusive to my body, and control me.
Congrats on deciding to quit! Congrats on me being your first follower! Our neighbors who smoke like 6 million cigarettes a day are moving this month so you should find "cig"nificantly less butts on the ground when they're gone. I'm so punny.
ReplyDeleteBy the way, I think CVS is under some kind of obligation to hire only mentally deficient employees. We call them CVS-tards. Unless you work at CVS. Or are retarded. In which case we don't call them that because that would be offensive.
ReplyDeleteOh... you were at Rite Aid... same thing... right?
ReplyDeleteYeah... for some reason they both suck. At Manoa Rite aid yesterday I almost choked the Pharmacist because she filled the meds under the wrong name and I almost bought them.... then I was like wait I am Katelyn not Katherine, and they were like uh your form says Katherine, whats your birthday 11-10-1992 I was like Uh no its August 1984 asshole. Then I had to stand there while they all fought and blamed each other for filling it under the wrong name.
ReplyDeleteYou are awesome, Kate. Keep it up!
ReplyDeleteWhat was the prescription they almost gave you? I guess it couldn't be anything really good if it's for someone who's barely 18. Then again . . .
ReplyDeleteit was my script just under the wrong name. so nothing worth stealing...
ReplyDeleteOh Greg.. twice I wanted to run up on their porch and sift through their ashtray.. but could not collect a good enough excuse if they found me...
ReplyDelete